On our Joe's eighteenth birthday
he really made me think,
when he asked if I would take him out
to the pub, for his very first drink.

We started off in the 'Duke of York'
and moved on to the 'Fox' then the 'Goose',
but as we came out of the 'Ferret and Flax'
Joe complained as is bowels felt loose.

So we swallowed a pie in the 'Mariners Arms'
to stiffen him up so to speak,
but when we'd 'ad pints at the 'Plough' and the 'Bull',
'is bladder were startin' to leak.

'Ee went to the loo at the 'Lamb', then the 'Dog',
and once more at the 'Chicken and Hen',
at the 'Star' it were t'same, and at t' 'Pieces of Eight'
he wanted the toilet again.

Joe were sick in the drain near the 'Eagle and Child'
and were thinking of chucking in th'at,
but t'were lads eighteenth birthday and young kids of that age
don't give in quite as easy as that.

So we went to the 'Duck' then the 'Carriage and Pair'
then the 'Squirrel' and on to t'Cross Keys',
and by the time as we got to the 'Fiddle and Bow'
young Joseph was on 'ands and knees.

We went for a fish and chip supper
'aving supped one last pint at the 'Bell',
then Joseph, my drinking companion
said "Dad I'm not feeling too well."

Is face, which looked most peculiar,
had adopted a yellowish hue,
and is eyeballs weren't very much better,
they were bloodshot and liverish too.

At last we rolled home, after midneet it were,
and 'is mother stood there hoppin' mad,
wi' 'er 'ands on 'er 'ips, and a thunderous look,
"What the 'ell 'ave you done to yon lad".

I managed to calm the owd girl down
as Joseph crawled upstairs to bed,
by telling 'er I loved 'er more
than I did on the day we were wed.

There's method in my madness
I'm sure you've heard folk say,
and I think it only proves my point
'cause Joe's been T.T. since that day.

Overheard....©

I went to the doctor's on Friday,
he said I'd got very close veins,
and thought it was the flea bites
that were causing all my pains.